What the Heart Longs For
by SoaringSoprano
Summary: Tahiri Veila is Darth Cadeus' Sith Apprentice, but are the costs more than the gain?  LOTF


_Low block. _

_Parry to the left. _

_Upward slash._

_Spin and counter. _

She was completely and utterly focused, the Force flowing through her as she allowed it to guide her lightsaber. Her brow was furrowed in concentration, the three scars traced into her skin glistening under a sheen of sweat.

_High guard._

_Return to center._

_Block and pivot._

_Lock blades._

Her opponent grunted with exertion as their blades met, sparks flying about like shooting stars. Pressing two lightsabers together was like trying to make the wrong ends of a magnet attract, she decided. In her opinion, it wasn't worth the effort.

Again, she pivoted, ducking beneath the blades and dangerously close to her opponent. She danced away just as quickly, her guard centered, and a confident smirk twisted her lips. He would be proud of her. Proud of her focus and determination...

Then, her opponent lunged and they engaged once more, each doing all they could to hold the other at bay. It was a perfect dance, the way they sparred. It reminded her of the old days, long before her galaxy had been torn apart and her innocence lost.

_Anakin..._

As quickly as his name slipped into her mind, her opponent struck hard, taking advantage of her lapse in concentration. She screamed as his blade seared into her upper arm, her legs threatening to buckle before instinct kicked in, and she channeled the pain, making it productive, purifying.

"Kriff you," she growled, glaring darkly at her opponent, cradling her injured arm close to her body. Anger boiled her blood and she prepared to make proper retribution, her shoulders squaring, her muscles tensing for the attack.

"Enough."

The command cut through the cloud of pain and frustration, but she couldn't help scowling as her opponent shut down his lightsaber.

"Afraid I might do some damage of my own?" she snarled, her own scarlet blade still blazing in her hand.

"I _said_ 'enough,' Tahiri. You're not focused, and I'm not going to waste my time."

"Waste your time?" she sneered. "_You're_ the one that wanted to spar, _Jacen_." She taunted him with his 'old' name, spitting it out like it was something vile.

Before she could react, he lunged, knocking her to the mat, pinning her body beneath his. Her lightsaber flew out of her grasp, and his hands trapped her wrists in a vice-like grip.

"Cadeus," he growled, his voice dangerously low. "That is my name now, _Apprentice_. You would do well to remember that."

His face was only inches from hers, his eyes burning into her own, but she refused to look away. He could try to intimidate her all he liked, but she had been broken once before. There was nothing he could do that _they_ hadn't already done.

"Oh, you'd be surprised," Cadeus whispered, his breath hot on her cheek.

She bared her teeth at him, more than slightly disconcerted at how easily he was reading her thoughts. "You wouldn't dare."

His grip tightened. "Really?" His eyes narrowed and flickered suggestively as he leaned closer.

Still, she refused to look away. "I hate you," she said through clenched teeth, her body taut beneath Cadeus' weight.

He smiled. "Good. _That's_ the focus I want from you all the time, Tahiri," he murmured, his lips almost touching hers.

She set her jaw and scowled. The heat of her anger burned in her eyes, reflecting her hatred for what Jacen had become, for what he was doing to her.

He released one of her wrists to run his fingers along her jawline. She barely restrained the urge to slap the smirk off his face, knowing she'd never be fast enough to score a hit.

The tip of his nose skimmed across her cheek as he breathed in her scent "Good girl," he purred. "_Very _good. Remember what I told you." His fingers traced the scars on her forehead, lingering there longer than she liked. "The hand will not reach what the heart does not long for."

She swallowed hard, trying to still the trembling in her limbs, trying to focus her anger, her fear. She wasn't going to give in to him, allow him to take the one thing that still belonged to her.

She belonged to Anakin, no one else.

His fist slammed down next to her head. "Damn it, Tahiri!"

The anger in his voice flared as quickly as the vermilion in his eyes and she couldn't help flinching, a vein of fear lacing through her.

"Focus!" he snarled.

"I can't!" she cried in desperation, only wanting him as far away from her as possible.

"You can't or you _won't_?" he growled, the flame-like orbs of his eyes burning into her own.

She pressed her lips together and remained silent, trying to ignore the heat of his body against hers. Behind her shields, she tried to think of Anakin, tried to remember the sound of his voice...

But somehow, despite her shields, he knew. He _always_ knew...

His eyes narrowed to crimson lined slits, but when he spoke, his voice was deceptively calm.

"You've already seen him this week," he reminded her patiently, his fingers slowly twining in her hair. "And you promised me, _promised_ that you'd be a good Apprentice and do as I asked in return." He looked down at her, his disappointment washing over her in the Force.

She swallowed. "I know," she whispered. It always scared her when Jacen was like this. He was like a wire pulled almost to its breaking point, on the verge of snapping.

"Master," he purred into her ear, his voice smooth like shimmersilk.

Her mind scrambled to cling to her memories. She tried to focus on the feel of Anakin's hand wrapped around hers as they sat atop the ruins at the Academy, the easy companionship as they walked through the jungle, Anakin silent as she chatted on randomly.

But he was tainting her memories, his presence slipping beneath her shields and trying to crowd out the images she so desperately clung to. She closed her eyes, unable to stand the sight of him anymore, wanting only to see Anakin's face in her mind's eye.

"Master," he prompted again, murmuring as his lips brushed her earlobe.

A single tear slipped from beneath her eyelashes. Her mind wanted to resist, but he was so strong, so powerful, and she _needed_ him... "Master." Her lips formed the words without her acquiescence, her voice a hoarse whisper.

Her frustration mounted. She could _feel_ the satisfied smile curling his lips and she hated him for it, hated herself. She knew he felt her hatred and reveled in it. Cadeus placed a kiss on her cheek, lingering intentionally to fan the flames of her fury.

She _knew_ why he did it. He _wanted _her angry, so that she would forget. So that she'd push her love from her mind, forget her precious memories, forget her _Anakin_, and all of her own volition.

And then, she'd have no choice but to go crawling back to _him._

Cadeus' desire wrapped around her like a cloak, heavy and cloying. His lips pressed against her forehead and she shivered from the violence of her emotions. Her anger began to drive away her thoughts, and the last rational piece of her mind tried to hide away Anakin's image, tried to keep it safe.

His hands moved over her and her fury took over, burning through her aura like a wildfire, and even that last, hidden image couldn't escape. Her body was rigid beneath Cadeus' and hot tears streamed down her cheeks. Her lips curled in a silent snarl as she vowed to _kill_ him.

"You won't, Ri," he whispered, and she despised him for using Anakin's nickname for her, for violating everything that was precious to her. "You can't kill me," he continued, his fingertips stroking her cheek, tracing the shape of her face. "You need me. Without me you are _nothing_, because without me you can't have _him."_

Her eyes shot open and there he was, staring down at her, false empathy barely masking the need burning behind it. And she hated him, because he was _right_. Only he could give her Anakin back, and without Anakin she was lost_.._.

Despair eclipsed everything else, and she began to weep.

Cadeus crushed his lips against hers, and in the Force, he felt the same as she did. He had a need and she wanted to be needed. He was lonely and she was lonely. He was lost, as was she, and together they were found. They were so alike and they could help each other, and her lips moved with his, no longer caring about her hatred, about her loss. She had a need, too, and she reached out for him hungrily and...

He was gone.

Her breath caught in her throat as her passion dwindled and her world started to collapse in on her again. Even Cadeus was playing games with her, denying her when she needed him most, just like the Jedi, just like...

"Anakin," she whimpered, curling up on her side on the cool floor of the training room. She was alone once more, left to pick up the shattered remains of her heart. She had betrayed him, betrayed their love, and it made her feel dead inside.

_The hand will not reach what the heart does not long for,_ Cadeus had told her, over and over again, and to what end?

She needed Anakin so badly, longed for him with every part of her being, loved him more than life itself, and yet it wasn't enough. She couldn't have him, no matter how much she longed for him.

All she could do was reach out, and allow her... _Master_ to manipulate her need.

All she would ever have was her anger and her bitterness and her despair.

Tears stung her eyes and the pain of her loss ripped a scream from her throat.

The Force, and Cadeus, had taken everything else.


End file.
